I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
