mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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