so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
