Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
