I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
