Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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