i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
