If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
