I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
