Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
