I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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