Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
