hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
