the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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