theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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