Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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