I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
