This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
