Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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