the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
