She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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