i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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