she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize