I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
