As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
