You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
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you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
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Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.