my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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