i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
