You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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