Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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