Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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