Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
