How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
