I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The air was thick with penises
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
