Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My ass is underappreciated
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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