Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
