she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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