I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Terrible idea I love it
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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