I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I didn't notice because vodka
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
