TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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