Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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