Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
