Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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