He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
