Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
