I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
