When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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