I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
