If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize