Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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