Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
