y did u give ur computer a hand job?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
