You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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