fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
